Start Me Up

Well, summer break is almost over. I'm gearing up for a few things, really.

One thing I'm gearing up for is school. I've taken a course-load that's got a lot of social sciences, PSYC and SOCI mainly, Should be challenging, but interesting. I will have a few friends in my classes, I'm sure, and I'm sure I'll make more. The LGBT center will be open again, and that should be a grand time, hopefully with less drama this year than last...

I'm also gearing up for both of my new roomies moving in! Two childhood friends moving in, and I don't think I could be happier. I know it's a challenge to live with such close friends, but I think I can do it. Besides, both really needed a change in their lives and I'm glad they have a fresh start ahead of them, with a nice support net here in Ottawa.

Finally, I'm preparing for my late September appointment to start hormones! It's been a LONG wait, and a lot of money in therapy spent, but I'm finally there; can't believe it's been a year. Still wish to death that I could have begun 5 years earlier, but better late than never. I've sunk thousands into facial hair removal too, and I think I'll start looking into eyebrow shaping too.

I've also started to make plans for NEXT Halloween...not this upcoming one, but halloween 2012. I want to be set to do something for myself come that time. I hope to feel comfortable enough with myself to doll myself up a little. I hope my body hair will be in a state where it won't be a big issue.

Oh, and I saw Jeff Mangum live. Inspiring performance. Felt bad about not singing along to every song like he requested, but I was awe-struck by him at times and had to shake myself away from that state. He opened with Oh Comely, and that was enough to blow my mind to bits.

A Part of the Big Picture

The other day in my Women's and Gender Studies lecture, we went over sexuality, with a focus on the LGBT spectrum. My professor, Christine Ekholst handled the sbject matter with absolute care while not simply slipping into political correctness. She spoke of essentialist views within LGBT; a viewset I subscribe to for the most part. I do believe I was born this way, with no real way around the issue, but this is not what I intended to discuss in this blog post.

I wanted to bring up Emmerich, a TA who was given the floor to air some of his grad-school work around the LGBT community and the disparity within itself. Much of what he discussed was common knowledge for me, but some stats really surprised me.
I realized that there is definitely a serious problem regarding racism and sexism in the LGBT community. Once upon a time I thought it was a minimal issue compared to the bickering between each 'faction', but that perspective was from largely non-firsthand experience. The stats regarding racism and sexism were simply dizzying and if I can track down Emmerich and get some of that info, I will make another post to show them.
The main thing regarding myself and my own experiences was how I can look back to how many people in the G&L populace have treated me, and compare it with Emmerich's findings. I always assumed their statements were universal, that bickering like that occured across all fronts, but he brought up some stats and info that really shed some light.

He made statements about how gay and lesbian groups push for sexuality not being a choice, and that they're just regular gender conforming folk with same-sex orientation. From there, he brought up Bisexuals and why they are given a stigma even within the community, because they make it seem as if sexuality is NOT a choice, and they contest the gender conformism using the same logic. Transsexuals and transgendered people are given stigma as well because they break the gender conformity in, arguably, their eyes and in the eyes of the masses. It akes sense that these three groups would find some hateful remarks sent their waybecause they potentially threaten the acceptance of gays and lesbians, and their fight for equality.

Yet, it highlights the community itself. We band together against injustice, but there is so much infighting and discrimination inside LGBT across the spectrums that it seems to be heading into "I got mine" territory instead of helping each other succeed. Recently, in the USA, many workplace equality legislations were brought forth, tactifully omitting transfolk as we would compromise the ability for the bill to pass.
I want all LGBT people to have the same rights & privileges, but if transpeople have to sit out constantly, then the others should help push for school curriculum revamps in health education to cover the LGBT. They should celebrate ALL of what the T stands for instead of just focusing on drag queens like they always do during pride parades and in most media. They should push for healthcare coverage for transsexuals. They should work for us as well. I want mine, but I'm pushing just as hard for everyone else.
Hopefully, some day soon, the LGBT conglomerate will be more accepting of each other and will have/share all the rights we currently lack, unified in the face of oppression and hate, conquering fear and teaching tolerance.
Hope.

Representation

"I don't get why, in the media, gay people need to make a big deal about coming out and letting everyone know. I don't make a big deal that I'm black, and I don't look for black role models in the media. They don't need role models in the media, I think it's silly."

That was a paraphrasing of what a girl in my women's and gender studies lab said, while the TA had brought up the topic of gendered representation in the media. Thankfully, one of the students in the lab I've semi-gotten to know spoke up about it(he's a pretty cool dude) brought up a counter argument that stymied hers nicely and without an aggressive tone....neighter of which a counter-argument from me would have had(and I think the TA might have seen a fire light up in my eyes on the topic and avoided allowing me to answer).

After having time to cool off, I can actually put some of what I felt into an argument here. Basically, she was out of her league. I respect her freedom of speech and her right to her opinion, but shere's no denying she blatantly misunderstood the importance of representation in the media.

She did not take a moment to comprehend why Ellen came out. Well, maybe she did, but she only applied it in a way where the only context was herself. Ellen coming out had no positive effect on her, so why was it important? Why were those like Ellen being so forward and 'in her face' about it all?
In a way she brings up topics covered in the readings about heteronormativity and how heterosexuality is transparent...everyone assumes each other are heterosexuals unless some stereotype tips their opinion into a difference balance. Here, in that lab, she assumed everyone's like her, and she closed her mind to all other possibilities.

She did not, for instance, consider the children and teenagers, terrified of coming out and what implications it would have on their lives. She did not think of how a persona like Ellen would affect the popular opinion on homosexuals. How her eventual fall from grace after coming out, and her rise back to the top, would change for gay and lebian actors would be accepted in Hollywood and on TV.

Popular figures supporting a cause often bring their audiences to support them and, more importantly, understand them, The more willing people are to understand a foreign concept, the more likely they are to foster tolerance around that concept.

LGBT kids often feel isolated, completely alone in their struggle, and if there is a chance that a celebrity coming out will give those kids some extra hope...if there is a chance it can pull these kids from harmful, self-destructive activities and actions...then it is worth it to annoy people like the classmate above. If a celebrity coming out brings even a small number of people to learn the facts about LGBT people, then all the annoyance is worth it. If a few people today can lead to more support down the road, leading to a generational change in tolerace and acceptance, then I'm all for it. Those who don't understand the importance of representation need only look at the election of Barack Obama and the immediate effect it had on the black community in general, or on a smaller scale, the girls who performed the Hijabi monologues(which dispelled many myths about muslim girls, and re-humanized them in at least a few people's minds in my class judging by the responses afterward)

University & A Brand New Start

I'm starting this blog back up for the odd blog I write up after classes. Basically, I'm in University now taking Psych, and I figure it's a good idea to write out my thoughts on things after lectures, after labs, or just in general about whatever is on my mind.
So, even though this has been dormant for a long time, I'm repurposing it, and will use it as a bit of an online journal of sorts. Maybe I'll refer others to it, maybe I won't. Who knows?

So I'll just post two of my blogs I had written up prior to today, and maybe if I have time, i'll write up something quick regarding my vacation-ish frollicking in Cape Cod with family.

Anywhom, enjoy I suppose, whoever you are, mystery reader.

Deadline

I'm giving myself a deadline of August 17th to tell my family/friends. That's a hard, firm deadline, and I need to say something by then. I figure this summer has been rough, and I'd like to get it over with right away, but my grandparents aren't in the best shape and just this week moved into town a few streets over, and the finishing touches still haven't been made to that situation.

Still, I have to stop putting MY OWN LIFE on the backburner. I have to step up and tell myself I'm worth the same amount of time as they are, or anyone else for that matter. I need to be selfish sometimes, and I've lacked a certain selfishness over the last ten or so years to help myself progress, not be stuck in a vat of quicksand like I've been.

I know I've said it a lot, and it's getting old by now, but it needs to get done. I need to do something quick. Before it's too late.

Present

Hello again. It's me. I survived second year, and am nearly done my internship.

This summer I've decided, I'll have to do it. Otherwise I'll be all twisted and whatnot inside and I really don't need that kind of tearing, self-destructing stress. I need freedom from myself and others, and I'm really hoping I can get some god damn courage in my blood.

I'm such a fucking coward. I've known for sure since I was 13 and it's been almost 8 years since. I've had how many days? Around 2900 anyways. 2900 days to say something, to say even two words. Two fucking words and I can't find a trace of courage to stand up for myself. I'm such a stereotypical self-helpist. I help others, I give people advice I should turn upon myself, but I never do. Apparently I'm the exception to the rule.

I've taken steps towards this venture. I've gotten a paypal account, and the ability to order stuff. So worst comes to worst I get stuff "for halloween" and then tell the truth when the time comes, but then again...that's probably my self-defeating need to please/fear of rejection talking there. I don't have any time. I never have. My life hasn't even fucking started yet, and I keep delaying it, as if I have infinite time ahead of me to do this.

I think my friends would be ok with it eventually, but they'd likely treat me with caution for a while. Maybe at worst get scared that I could be attracted to them(which is impossible as I really don't know the feeling of attraction anyways).
I just want to be me, and be accepted. I don't want to hear about people like me being themselves and paying the ultimate price for it. I really don't. I don't want to know the percentage of them in the porn/streetwalker profession. I don't at all.

I want to be an older version of what I imagined of myself pre-puberty.

You can't always get what you want, though. But I'm hoping I'll make my best effort to get it, because afterall, I don't tend to do things for me. I do things to make others happy. I self-sacrifice for the gain of others. It's what I've always done. I put others above me. I'm the caretaker type, I worry about my friends and family, and because of that I don't want to lose them, more than anything. I need to put myself above that worry, in order to succeed.

I just hope I can.

I regret to inform myself

It's been a while. A while? A while since what? Since I last had something? Since I've had something? A while is only time, and time is out of my control.
It's been a while. I know this, yet it slips by my reach each time I attempt to grasp the existince of my situation. Oh, my situation. What is it? I indeed have many, some lasting quite a while. It's been a while since I've thought of it, yet it's been a while since it's escaped me.

It's incredibly confusing. I believe my way of self defense is allowing time to pass, as if it's out of my reach to control it. As if I can't stop and think anymore, but I do. I stop and think so much, but it continues out of my grasp. It moves, I don't. I move, it doesn't. Time, that is.

What can time be spent on? It's currently 4:05. I should be sleeping but that would be wasteful. I'm so awake. I'm feeling. I'm bearthing, I'm lasting. I'm BEING. It's remarkable. Isn't it?

The last few months, I've not found much to express myself over. I'll stop acting and tell the truth now, it's been over a decade. I act, it's what I've done. I'm not necessarily good at it when I try to act, but it's so natural to me now that I do it when my mind feels it necessary. It troubles me to think that what I think could be an act to fool myself, but then who would be?
Would I still be lasting? Being? What is being? If acting is natural then it is a part of me. It would be, so to speak, being myself. But who am I within that actor? Is that no longer myself? Am I such a doppleganger that I cease to be? Do I even know what I'm talking about? Am I being existential? What f I don't want to be? The act(no pun intended) of being is active. What if I want to remain? One part of me tells myself that this, what I am now, how I'm thinking now is currently myself at a raw raw level. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. But have I changed since I felt like that? What if a raw me isn't so me afterall?

A question pops to mind which, in simplified form, would be a version of "Who Am I?" but in about a thousand other words. What has taken me so long? Why has it taken me so long? How has it taken me so long?

And why do I still feel held back?

It scares me. Am I out of my reach? I can see myself in a mirror, other people can see me, but I require the help of something to witness my being. I can look at my hand, my arm, my leg, my body to an extent...it's embarassing. It doesn't seem real. I don't think I'm here at all. Does this thought upset me? A little. It's confusing because I'm watching these hands type right now my message. I'm technically a brain with extensions that help me exist. Am I a male or female? How old am I? What's my favourite colour? Does that information matter in the long run?
I want happiness. What do I require for happiness? OR what does happiness require for me? Is that a better question? I think I might be delirious, but at this time in the morning I tend to be a little off-beat. I tend to be able to know, though, and it differentiates me from the act I am around other people and other objects. Or does it? Do I just act to everything, including me, that I can't comprehend during certain situations? Do I hold myself back for some inexplicable and uncontrollable reason? That would be terrifying. At least I'd get some response from myself about it though. Normally I'm very indifferent and lack the passion to care for anything. I might smile, but it means nothing. I might say 'I love you mom/dad' but it's an empty catchphrase of mine. A means to an end. Am I disgusting for that? Do they love me? What is love? Baby don't hurt me, no more.

And yes, I'm serious. Love as hurt me in the past for not knowing it. It has tricked me into fearing it, being intimidated by it and the standards that it follows. I am stripped of passion or feeling from my daily indifference which removes any prospect of love, just leaving me to envy and to wonder. Envy the feling of love. Wonder if I'm gay. Envy another person's body. Wonder if I'm transsexual. Envy the skill of someone in something. Wonder what's wrong with me.

What IS wrong with me? It seems many things, but many people have things wrong with them and they live fine. I do not. Where is there a difference? Do I whine? Am I doing that now?
Am I even confused? Are the answers right in front me my eyes pleading to be read?


It's been a while since I've read.

It's been a living nightmare. It lasted a while. It lasted time. I don't have that time anymore, and no matter how I am, I'll never be able to grasp myself fully until something within myself synchronizes. I've been so lonely. At least I'm beginning to think, to read, to feel, to be.

But it'll be a while.

Dreams

The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox. We live trapped in loops, reliving a few days over and over again, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see the same things each day, we response the same way, we think the same thoughs, each day a slight variation on the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we can just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us.

No I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing: the solutions doesn't involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of some day easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fearing of shaking things up.
This is very important so I want to say it as clearly as I can:

FUCK.
THAT.
SHIT.

This brought to you by xkcd.com, my source of continual inspiration, an endless well of humor and wit.

School's Back

Woohoo..
School!
Yeah.


Only about....7 hours until I get in the car to go there. Hopefully I'm not glomped by anyone. Then again, no one but Erik or Jay seem to be the kind to glomp due to a first day of school. :P

Anyways, I'm anxious and am listening to as much music as I can to calm myself. Here's a couple of tracks(yeah, some are from girl-pop bands, I don't want to hear any negative feedback).

The Pipettes - "Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me"
Pony Up! - The Truth About Cats and Dogs (Is that they die)
The Decemberists - 16 Military Wives
Electric Six - High Voltage
The Decemberists - Clementine
Neutral Milk Hotel - Two Headed Boy Part 2
The Pipettes - School Uniform
The Pipettes - Hurts to See You Dance So Well
Matthew Good Band - Running For Home
Snowden - Anti Anti
Pop Levi - Blue Honey
Ratatat - Wildcat
Professor Murder - Free Stress Test
Alexi Murdoch - Breathe
The Dears - Bandwagoneers
As Tall As Lions - Ghost of York
Oh No! Oh My! - Walk In The Park
M83 - Don't Save Us From The Flames

All highly recommended songs and bands. Tune into their stuff sometime if you have the chance.
Though it's not like anyone really reads this but me and people looking over my shoulder as I post. -_- I'm tired, so I'm heading off. Hopefulyl school rocks.

And hopefully Cody's computer doesn't cost more than 300 to fix. Because I'm saving for a goddamned Juno-G.

Summer Review

It's been a decent-good summer so far. Snakes on a Plane was all I expected it to be. I can now play Oblivion and other high res games because my computer died suddenly in June. New 939 parts because I couldn't afford all of it brand new. I missed the huge processoor price cuts too.

I got a lot of music. Lots. Pretty sweet. Yeah.

Hung out with friends twice at Matt and Joes and the Funky Carp. Pablo's Band was kickass, I'd have them play at a birthday party if I could afford it.

Still single, but oh well. Not like I've tried or anything.

Tis about it.

Chicken Pox Imminent

That's right, I'll likely get the Chicken Pox soon. My brother has it right now, and I've tried to avoid him since I've heard of his new disease. I figure I'll get it anyways, though, no matter how hard I try. Which will likely be all next week, meaning I'll lose a week of College. Which totally sucks.
So I'm cracking down, and trying to do schoolwork on my week off. Wonderful. I'm basicially hiding out in my room while my friends are having fun.

On a side note, I've been having troubles getting my music equipment from online stores. It seems there have been an onslaught of new shipping methods. The one store I was planning on buying my stuff from(mainly) just declared Canada as unacceptable for free shipping(meaning I'd be blasted around $50-100 extra for border customs taxes and shipping). This sucks. And in the stores that allow free shipping to Canada, my products don't qualify for it. Awesome.

Cunnilingual Fungus Chloroform

Don't mind the random title.
I've decided come hell or high water, I'll see Radiohead on their next North American Tour. I can't risk not seeing them before they leave the music industry.
In other related news, I've been entranced by a few certain Radiohead songs: Idioteque, Motion Picture Soundtrack, and Street Spirit(what else is new?). So freaking beautiful.
And Jonny Greenwood is my hero :D

And I think you're crazy, maybe.

Anyways, I have a test tomorrow in marketing and haven't done much to prepare for the essay I need to do. I should get on that, but I'll sleep first.

My Hero =Thom Yorke

Thom is my hero because of this. Now I understand why like, 50% of people who go to a radiohead concert have sex sometime during the show. This song is orgasmic(always has been since the initial release of Kid A) and this just makes it that much better :D

Oh

And yes, I realize some people might be reading this. I figure anyone who reads this is either a total stranger, or someone who knows me well enough to respect my words here.

I'm not some crazy person who thinks that this is a way of venting to myself, where no one will find me.

Future Plans...

I've decided to get a synth or keyboard workstation in order to fill my time, and to learn something musical. I've been looking at some models, and it's still in the air over which I'll get, but right now, the Korg Triton LE is looking nice. It's pricey though, so I'm going to take my time. I need it to last and to be used, most of all.

Also, I've decided on my plans after college. I know it's going to cost likely over 10k US for it all, but it'll be worth it, and I've been waiting for the chance for a long time. Hopefully the price will drop as years go by, but likely, the tech will just get better. Oh well. Such is life. I'll just have a misc. debt instead of a student loan debt after college. No biggie, right? *sigh*

Anyways, I've been feeling like shit recently. I've been noticing things about myself, others, and all, and it's just constantly upsetting. I'm just letting myself believe this is how people feel normally, when I know for certain that the dropoff from happiness to where I normally sit is a large distance. LARGE. Whether or not I should seek some kind of professional help is beyond me, but I doubt it would help. I know what I have to do, but I can't exactly get to it until after college. Until then, I'll have to suffer through whatever strange kind of depression this is.

I've decided to change my image a little, trying to separate from my high-school look because...well...if I kept that with me through college, I'd just be stringing along all of the shit I put up with back then along with me. That's not healthy, and that's why I changed(my hair of all things). Either wya, it needed to change because of that convention this May called Anime North, where my current plans are to go as L from Death Note. Those could change depending on if I get a full time job and need to cut my hair. Oh well, it's worth a try.

Either way, the future is bright for now....I just need to last through the present.

OH NOES!

I've been busy, so don't panic too much
*crickets*
Ok, so no one reads this. All the better ;)

Anyways, I've been busy with school and work. All i can say is that Animation class is a bitch of an epic event. 3 hours long of non-stop learning each day. And right afterwards, I need to go to work :(

Well, nothing new eally. Pretty much made up my mind on the big decision. Oh well, that'll all come later. Right now, I'm leaning towards getting a mic and keyboard/synth, as well as some RAM, and a videocard. Lots of money, true, but likely worth it.

Oh yeah, FUCK YOU EA for screwing with the Gamecube version of SSX. I know you guys could have pulled a smooth framerate if you wanted to. You're all Ass-Bastards.

Love, Luck and Lollipops
-Adam

Oops, I did it again

I kept postponing my next Blog submission due to pretty much nothing happening.

Well, I've officially started College, and I'm nearly done my second week. So far so good, although I already have a few projects to work on. The workload seems to be highly dependent on creative matters so I think I'll do fairly well there.

September is here, which means Hockey will be on it's way. I drafted my Fantasy hockey team a while back and it's a hit or miss group of players. I took a lot of risks this year, because I was very......tame last year.

I went to my first concert ever on the 2nd of September, the System of a Down and Mars Volta holding the fort there. The first band, "Bad Acid Trip" was just bad. Probably the worst band I've heard in years.

I've been hearing some new music, mainly due to the hours I spend scouring the net for enjoyable music. So far Hanalei, Hood, Catalpa Catalpa, Coco-Rosie, Nord Express, Aarktica, Jim Yoshii Pile-Up, Jaga Jazzist, Kill Memory Crash, A Northern Chorus, The Static Age, Fiery Furnaces, British Sea Power and Bottom of the Hudson have been catching my attention. It's only a matter of time before I have enough money saved up to listen to their full albums.

Going for my first Young Drivers In Car Session this Monday coming up...yay. What fun, being forced ito driving lessons.

Love, Luck and Lollipops
-Adam

Black Friday

Tomorrow is the day of the Young Driver's test. Hopefully I pass(or I have to pay $40 /session to make up for the failure, and to take one or two more sessions again).

I also work tomorrow. 5-12. I need to schedule my Tuesday off because I can't work it, and I need to change shifts permanently(my Tuesday).

I failed to get Guildwars today after an excruciating trek to EB and back, where I nearly was hit by a car who ran a red light, and my back wheel on my left rollerblade broke off. Fun.

Well, it'll be over tomorrow. It may be boring at YD, but there are some nice people there. Well, apparently I get a free small pizza tomorrow for fixing a co-worker/neighbour's computer. Since I'll have already eaten, I probably won't be able to down it. :(

Anyways,
Love, Luck and Lollipops
-Adam

Just White Noise.....

I lost my voice today, after about 3 days of an odd feeling in my throat. Well, I work Saturday(today), so hopefully it returns enough so I can try to say stuff word by word.

Anyways, feeling a little down, but I did see 'Garden State' and 'Heat', which I've seen before, and which still rule.

Well, my lack of energy, and the medication makes this post shortened.
Love, Luck, and Lollipops
-Adam

Happy Birthday to me

w00t!
My birthday has come along with a lack of celebration. Many friends are gone away for some odd reason, so no celebration is warranted until their hasty return :)
Hopefully I feel better when I wake up, I'm not feeling to hot.

Anyways, I took surveys when I got back from work.
Apparently I'm 63% aware of my attractiveness, and I'm physically appealing O_o
Also, I'm 68% feminine, which I found out in a Gender identity quiz
And my sexual partner is a type 7 :P Go type 7!

Well that uselessness aside, I am currently trying to teach myself HTML.
Oh well, it'll come in its own time

Love Luck & Lollipops

SCHOOL'S OUT FOR THE SUMMER!

No more High School! w00t(sorry for the leetness)

Anyways, Prom is on Monday. I still need to get my tux fitted. It wasn't in yesterday(thursday). That means on Saturday, I need to get up at 7, be at the mall(30 min away) at 9:30, leave at 10, get back at 10:30 in time for me to change, and then go to work from 11-11. Meanwhile, I work Friday from 5-12, so it's a rough weekend. Oh well.

And it's official, prom will suck. Apparently, it's easy to smuggle in booze, and my friends are getting schnapps to put in their drinks. My date is a big drinker, and gets.....fairly more aggressive and crazier when drunk(like anyone I guess), which is bad. You know, she could be reading this right now, but oh well, she should know my take on the situation. If she doesn't, then she is a hypocrite.

Anyways, prom + booze = bad news. I'm thinking I will not go to the prom party afterwards. As much as I want to go(I've never been to a big party before), too much violence will occur. I know of 3 fights already, and that isn't good. There will be more. Oh well. There goes my chances of hooking up with a girl I have never met before, thus creating a new experience. :S

So here I am at the end of exams, resting on my laurels on the front porch awaiting the storm on the horizon. Only my boots can lead me to safety, whether that's towards it to the cellar, or inside away from it. It will hit sooner or later, I'm just wondering how I'm going to get through.


Love, Luck, and Lollipops
-Adam

Oops

Well, it's been a busy month, with more business to occur. I haven't updated in a long whle simply due to the fact that I'm behind in schoolwork and I feel like getting a decent average this semester if possible.

Lots of stuff has happened since I last updated. I'll eventually get it all out. I'm busy now though, so I'll have to hold off for another day :P

One Day

I have one day until I have to cancel my plans for the concert. Two friends considered going, but opted not to :(

Anyways, I have this one class where I have to take pictures of people and morph them into others. And I've been delaying this big lunchtime extravaganza thing for weeks, and I need to do it tomorrow. So tomorrow will suck.

Oh well. Hopefully luck shines on me tomorrow though

Four Eyed Surprise!

I went to the optomestrist and was told I need glasses :O
It wasn't surprising, since it was my first visit in 5 years, and my distance vision was getting blurry. 20/50 isn't bad.

The only downside is that I'll probably regularly lose them or break them. It's just how I am, and that sucks.

Anyways, I really want to see Sarah Slean on Thursday, but no one will go with me (no one is interested in her music). This sucks, because she never comes to Belleville, and she is supposed to be awesome live, and answers questions and such after the show. She's probably the best female lyricist I've ever had the honour of acknowledging. Her songs are satirical masterpieces, while holding a non-elistist, catchy sound. Not only that, she can draw and paint, and play piano and such......she is just totally an amazing artists and I envy her so much :( Oh well, maybe I'll get to her level one day.

This reminds me of my natural mediocrity at everything. I'm never bad at something, but I'm never good enough to do well in it, unless it's school. Trust me, I've focused on a subject for a year and my skills did not get any better. I guess I'm looking in the wrong direction for my future, and while I'm glad I'm striving for something right now, I can't help but feel I'm setting myself up for the fall later on in life.

"Unconcerned, yet not indifferent" - Man Ray
Love, Luck and Lollipops
-Adam